today i write this journal entry with a sad note. i am unhappy today, because i received bad news yesterday around 11:40 pm. i found out that my homeboy throughout elementary and middle school died because some fucken asshole who shot him 3 times! on highland! he died after he was brought to the hospital. *a prayer to be said* i dont know what to do or what to say. it seems as though whatever it is i say, i cant make things any better.  i tried and tried to make my homeboy feel better, but sometimes things are just better unsaid. i couldnt do anything but be there for him. still today i cant accept what i heard. it hasnt fully sunk in yet. i dont know what to do or what to think. ive realized that there is so many things in my life that has gone unsaid. i only wish i had a second chance to say what im saying now.  

manuel... i know we never got the chance to be homies, but i will always remember your crazy ways. i will always remember the times that i had spent knowing you throughout elementary and middle school. what you did with your life after that, i regret not knowing you or trying to keep up with you. you were not the easiest person to get along with, but you were always nice to me. im sorry for what has happened to you and i regret that we never got the chance to be close. i realize that i have not known you for as long as i should have, but after not seeing you for a while and then seeing you, you were the same old manuel that i once knew. you greeted me as if we were old friends. im sorry for not having been there for you through these rough years of yours, but i hope that now you are at rest. you did not deserve what has happened to you, no matter what people may say, i dont think so. please god in heaven, protect him and watch over him as you would do normally.

all this has made me realize the many other people out there that i once knew in elementary school that are in the same situation he was. i dont want this to happen to any of my other homeboys or girls. please be careful you guys, because there are a lot of assholes out there that dont give a fuck about anyone but themselves. be careful and protect yourselves. to manuel's friends and family, i feel your grief and im sorry for you loss.

on another note, im sad once again. how is it that i am supposed to get over you if you never leave? how am i supposed to get over you if i cant let my heart wander away? how am i supposed to get over you if i keep running back every chance i get? i dont know what to do anymore about the situation i am in. when people ask me am i still in love with you, i answer without a doubt in my mind, YES!!! when people ask me is you are in love with me, i have no answer. i want to scream yes, but there isnt a yes to scream. how is it that you can easily forget? is it because you never loved me? is it because you have lost the feelings you had? is it because you have found another? how can you forget me as easily as you have? please tell me, because i want to do the same. i want to erase you picture from my mind. i want to erase my past of us from my mind. i want to erase the future us from my mind. i want to be able to let another inside my heart. i want to be able to say that i am fully over you. am i setting myself up for disappointment when i asked you to come and see me? yes i am. i know i am. why am i doing this to myself? is because no matter how much time i spent with you, whether it be the teeniest bit, is all i need? why is it that i cant let you go? why is it that i cant erase the thought of you being my soulmate and the one i love? why cant i just let you go the way you want me to. ive tried your tactics. it doesnt work. why cant i stop loving you? why cant i stop loving you? why cant i stop loving you??

hey u guyz. it has kinda been a while since ive written in dis journal of mine. but yea dere's been lots dats been goin no in mah life. u knoe wit skewl, work, n boiz! haha u knoe mah life would b nuttin wit out boiz!!! ive got to live up to mah nickname, Boy Toy rite? haha! ne who, u guyz knoe meeh wel enough to knoe dat im alwaize in a knot wit mah wuv life rite? well yea im in anotha one of em knots dat i wuv so much! jk haha i hate bein in a tangle.  dere's so much dat i need to learn n i tink im goin to finally listen to mah homies n specially wat mah boss said to meeh, which was "u r too young, dont b tied down to just one boi!" hehe i tink i should not even tink bout boiz. a good thang dough is dat im slowly but continuously puttin keith into mah past n leavin him dere wit no feelins or remorse. skewl is like aite ya knoe? im doin aite n wat not. i just need to concentrate more n STUDY! yea i really need dat!! haha ne waize yea i will succeed wit out a doubt in mah mind!!! i need da grub dat dani is willin to buy foe meeh!!! haha ne waize imma bounce now peace

There must be an angel watching over me